By Alana
I grew up with a subconscious understanding of consent. Don’t hug people who don’t want hugs. Stop rough housing when they yell “Stop”. Don’t put your butt on strangers.
But until I witnessed a trained counselor in a room with a rape victim, I did not have an internalized understanding of consent.
A total stranger to both the victim and myself, she made her presence known, asked for permission before every step of her process, and carried herself with a calm demeanor that made it clear any answer would be accepted at face value with no pressure.
“May I sit down?”
“May I tell you about our program?”
“May I ask you a question about your past?”
“Is it alright if I step out to take phone call?”
The counselor was not interacting with anyone in anything resembling a sexual way, but she was employing the basic concepts of consent in the situation, nonetheless.
In the 10 years since that day my understanding of consent has changed as I have become consciously aware of what it means on a grand scale and how it can apply far beyond the bedroom and sexual encounters. Whether we are talking about giving or receiving consent, every relationship I have benefits from applying these basics.
For clarity, I will focus on the basics of receiving consent here:
Ask permission. Accept the answer.
That’s it. It really is that simple to start off. Ask permission for a thing. Accept whatever answer you are given and move on to the next topic.
Want one of the cookies Charley in marketing made and left on the desk? Ask permission. Accept the answer.
Want to try out a new toy on your partner? Ask permission. Accept their answer.
Want to explain to your teenager why you’re worried about their behavior? Ask their permission. Accept their answer.
Individual situations will always be more varied, perhaps with other people involved. I have found that these tips help smooth the rough edges and keep the lines of communication open.
1) Clear communication.
This seems fairly obvious, but a miscommunication of expectations has been the root of most issues in my relationships. So, when you are asking permission, be clear and specific.
What is it that you want to do? What do you want to know? What do you want done to you? What response or reaction are you expecting? Anything that you are going to look back on later and say “I wish ___ had happened” should be communicated at the beginning of the encounter.
2) Consistency.
That counselor did not ask for permission one time and then never again. Any time she was changing the state of the room in some way, she checked in to make sure that it was alright BEFORE she proceeded to do it. This built trust between the counselor and the victim, which allowed the victim to relax enough to discuss some truly difficult topics and get the help that was needed.
The same is true with our relationships. If you build a habit of asking for permission and accepting the answer, your partners know they can rely on you to be upfront and respectful
3) Follow through.
All that trust means nothing if you do not stick to the agreement that is made. If the counselor had asked to sit, been told “No.” and sat anyway, the message to the victim would be pretty clear. Why give the illusion of choice if we’re just going to do what we want anyway?
4) Own Your Shit.
We are human beings, and there may come a time when we mis-read a situation, miscommunicate an expectation, and a boundary is crossed. It is vital in these instances to set ego aside and let the other person decide what happens next.
Own the error, make it right, and accept the consequences. Not everyone is going to forgive a crossed boundary, even if we, personally, don’t feel like it was a big deal. It is their boundary to draw, and we do not get to dictate their emotions.
Living a consensual life is not always the easy thing but it is always the right thing.